In an Alternate Universe, We Changed Everything Before the Whole World Got Sick

By Ralph Willis

The president had arranged for a press conference. A few thousand supporters showed up. People figured it’d be more about the wall. He stood quiet at the podium long enough to make everyone else hush in anticipation. 

“People of America,” he began, “we’ve been developing an entirely new strategy…wait…I’m holding all questions and comments until I’m through…First issue…now let’s see here (shuffles some papers) “The Prison system… I’m shutting it down!” The crowd roared. Thumbs all over the world immediately ejected tweets into cyberspace: 


“Let me finish! Any nonviolent offenders will be released. We have a program called ‘back in touch’ to connect these people directly with family members, or dedicated social workers, to find out their particular needs, and help them become healthy people. 

Schools will be on hold until further notice. Nobody has better respect for parents than Donald Trump. As a result, you will now all be responsible for your own children. In fact, every single industry will be put on pause for re-evaluation. We’re going to take care of it.…PLEASE…PLEASE BE QUIET PEOPLE!.” 

You couldn’t say which was growing faster the size of the crowd, or the chaos. A fight broke out in the corner, a few hundred feet from the stage, between police and citizens. One officer pepper sprayed the small angry cluster, another tased a man. Trump drew a gun and fired three shots into the stage beneath him. Everyone stopped. 

“Are you ready for me to finish?” he screamed, holding the smoking pistol “NOW,” he began again, his face, normally orange, was as bright red as the stripes on the flag behind him, “I’m going to answer a few of your questions. Who’s going to watch our children while we go to work if they don’t have school? You are? Why? Because you won’t have a job anymore. Unless you’re in farming, or emergency services, or something else essential, most positions will be phased out. Doctors and nurses will be on call per individual basis, of course except for those in need of constant care.” 


“Calm down everyone, you won’t need a job! Do you know why? If you live in a house now, you will own it. All mortgages and taxes are as of now ended. Believe me, if you do not have a home, you will be scheduled to receive a one. And if there isn’t one available, we’ll build it! 

All of my hotels and casinos are being converted into shelters for people during their transitional period. You will all be given $2,000 a month for food, until we develop a new monetary system. if you need more than that simply fill out an expense form. Also people, our eating habits are going to have to change.” 

The president almost seemed as if he was coming to tears. He sucked it up and continued.. 

“ I know most of you think I’m terrible and I have been at points in my life, but I want to make it right. Furthermore all vehicles will immediately begin being converted to solar and wind power, in order to relieve ourselves from the questionable, if not harmful use of natural resources . 

All zoo animals will be sent back to their original habitats. if you want to see animals, you’re just going to have to pack your bags. I know it may seem like a minor issue, but we need something to do with all these creatures. There are hundreds and thousands of non-native animals on this continent. They need to go home. Speaking of things not of this continent, namely, Europeans, myself included, we are phasing ourselves out of power in this country, to rebuild the incredible men and women of the Indigenous nations. 

Huge great efforts will also be put forth into aiding people of African descent in reclaiming the wealth from the European families and companies that benefited from their families enslavement, and if desired, help locate and reconnect them with their original people and culture. The twitter verse went into a frenzy: 


It was entirely too much information for the nation to process. 

“Now the question is on you great American people. What will you teach your children? What will you do with your lives when they’re not consumed with stupid daily tasks and worry?” What will you do with your lives, America? Me, I’m going to explore my German roots.”